Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Nothing Else Matters

Abu Hurairah (r.a) related that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said,
"Allah does not go after your bodies and appearances, but He scans your heart."
(Sahih Muslim, excerpted from Riyadh-us-Saleheen)

Allah scans our hearts for sincerity and purity of intentions, acts of worship and good deeds performed out of one's dutifulness and piety to Him and Him Alone.

So if I scanned my heart, what would I find? The need to please, the need to be validated, celebrated, liked, followed, and appraised. The need to be voted the best in this and that.

Actually, no. That phase of my online life is gone. I am more concerned about the tracks I leave behind, my breadcrumbs which would hopefully fossilize into something that can benefit me when I am long gone.

I never thought that I would be so much like my paternal grandmother with whom I had spent most of my formative years, short of having a tepak sireh (betel nut palette) and tobacco ready for anyone wanting a morning chat when the house got quiet.

I am now wanting a tepak sireh, not literally, but something common that can bring good friends together at a drop of a hat. And a few ladies to come by and have a chat with me while we wait for Pakcik Seman, who manned the fish and vegetable truck. Or I could go to them. Then again, I am already blessed with communions with friends at least once a week. Anything more, I will risk neglecting my duties and responsibilities as the guardian of the fort.

What is it really that I want? *still scanning my heart*

A full life well-lived.

Does that mean I am going to have to tick box everything that I have not done before I kick the old bucket? No. There are a lot of ideas best executed 10-20 years ago. I have no regrets as my remorse has been offloaded to the best of listeners. And may I never revisit my dark days.

For the next 10-20 years to come, let there be purification and enrichment whilst I endeavor undertakings that befits what I allow myself to do without getting seriously hurt.

A full life of hiccups, glitches and that's-alrights, of small triumphs to the naked eye, but a mountain to Al Wasi', Al Aleemun Hakeem.

Living in the Now

Time, these days feels like a gush of wind, blanketing your being from your toes to the top of your head, lingers for a few second to give you whatever sensation you are meant to feel or experience and then disappears fleetingly without a proper goodbye, as if it is late for an important date. I have had little pockets of opportunity to pause and reflect but chose to let them pass me by, and to be honest, a lot of time lost, sleeping at night when there must be more productive things I could do instead of indulging in my beauty sleep (or whatever that is left of it, not doing much to preserve that either)

When I so choose to have a quiet thought though, it is almost always when I have my conversations with Him, after a few minutes, I am oftentimes distracted. Even then my introspection and contemplation are rushed by something I had forgotten to do, or distracted by something I would like to fill my vision, thoughts and feelings with. Always motivated by what I want to do next or an alternative to what I was meant to focus on.

My attention span is likened to that of a _______. I don't even know what.

What are my current preoccupations, I ask myself.

A nice piece of furniture or art on the resale market. Or an impromptu coffee time with someone I have not seen for a while. Or what to cook, what to eat. What to buy. What to do next week, which requires some planning, booking, payment and all the necessary. And when I throw in what I have to do or prepare for my charge, my household and all, I am spent. Or am I?

How much time do I have left?

How does one live in the now? By not looking back, by enjoying life to the minute, moment to moment? I can't afford that. We are meant to plan and prepare for tomorrow. What happens in the now is the outcome of what we have set out to do yesterday. Today just happens.  And you let it happen. Or do you?

When do we let go? The time I take to think about when and what to let go is the time I lose that I will never get back.

Like, right now.

My apologies for wasting your time.